Parshat Vayishlach, December 16, 2016

When Yaakov Avinu is on his way to meet his estranged brother, Esav, and hears that Esav is on his way to meet him with a fighting force of 400 men, Yaakov becomes very afraid. Rashi notes that Yaakov pursues three strategies in approaching his brother: Doron (gifts to placate Esav), Tefilah (prayer for divine protection), and Milchamah (war).

These three strategies perhaps represent fundamental approaches to life. Some of us go through life seeking to win the favor of others, seeking their approval (doron). Others of us, don’t worry about what other people will think or do, trusting God to take care of things (tefilah). Still others are always braced for the worst, assuming the ill-will of others and spoiling for a fight (milchamah).

Which is the best strategy? None of them, if not applied thoughtfully. There are situations in life that call for appeasement, when picking a fight would be disastrous. In other situations, standing up and fighting for ourselves is what is called for, when trying to curry favor with someone isn’t going to help. And there are times when there isn’t anything we can do for ourselves, and all we can do is place our trust in God that He will take care of us.

While nobody pursues a single one of these strategies in life 100% of the time, many of us tend to favor one over the others, or we find ourselves choosing one strategy in a situation when the others might be more appropriate. Perhaps when we find ourselves in difficult relationships or conflicts that seem unresolvable, the problem is that we are choosing the wrong approach. We each have situations and relationships in our lives that are a source of tsuris (woe).

What would happen if we asked ourselves, “which of these three strategies haven’t I tried yet? How would I apply that to this situation?”

Maybe, just maybe, it would make all the difference.

Rabbi Garth Silberstein